The Easiest Way To Die (10-08-09)

Life is truly unfair...
You don't always get what you want and things don't always go your way.
It's full of surprises that oftentimes, I mean, most of the time, come up in small packages just when you least expected it.

"Insanity is just a hair strand away"

--now that's something I have learned in Psychiatric Nursing during my college days ...

Last night, I had a fight with my lover. And now I'm not actually sure what the reason was why we almost gave up on our relationship. Oh, come on, guys, you know ... Petty fights? Lambingan blues and all that jazz? But anyway, here's a flashback of the drama that has happened last night -- I remembered that he was so cold ... and I was so angry ... and he was out with his friends enjoying the night (yeah, I know, what kind of guy is he to have fun while his girlfriend is hurting on the other end of the line, right?) ... and I'm still angry and so on ... blah - blah! A never-ending petty fight! I cried liters of tears and was nearly suffocated by it, I had to sit down and relax but still those little salty badges of water endlessly flowed through my eyes (and nose!). It hurt so much that thoughts went through my mind, paranoia creeps up and was really driving me insane! AAAARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! *breathes deeply*

"Sana'y hindi ka nalang pala aking nakilala,
Kung alam ko lang na ako'y masasaktan ng ganito,
Di sana'y nakinig nalang ako sa nanay ko ..."
OO, by UpDharmaDown

But upon experiencing such a horrible thing (hey, I'm a young lady in love, I'm way dramatic! What would you expect? hehe), it made me realize the ways to die easily ...
*suicidal-tendency-senses tingling*
HOLD IT!

Put away those knives, forks (forks?!) or any pointy objects that could easily penetrate your skin (and yes, hun, needles included!)
You won't be needing any guns or other firearms, dear.
Ropes and strings are not also necessary.

Wait a minute!
This isn't the Suicide 101 (let me guess, you really wish this subject exists, don't you?) class you want to attend to?
Hurting or killing yourself won't make any sense at all!

Back to business,
the easiest way to die is to let yourself be numb from whatever threatens to hurt you. As what I have experienced last night, the easiest way to die, for me, was to calm myself, pretending that every thing's going to be alright but still i was broken into a million pieces inside, trying not to feel the pain and hurt that cuts through my veins and i know it exists all along but still couldn't find a way to let it out and be free from it ...



awtz .............

LUCIFER'S MASQUERADE

A crowd full of strangers, persons with different masks, each portrayed differently, happily, uniquely. Some were funny and silly while others were teary and lonely.
Love music filled the air as everyone danced beyond compare.

I, too, joined these people, like a daredevil stranger who knew nothing but danger... A happy-go-lucky gambler who deals with LIFE and even DEATH ...
I met different persons in each minute that passed by; different names, different faces, different personalities.

Then the music changed to its slow beat. And each person there has someone to dance with, except ME.
How pity of me to stand in a crowd with no one to hold on to, to cling on to ...

Much to my surprise, why did it has to be this way? I used to have someone beside me, well, not just 1 man, but 2, 3 or more! They used to love me, used to hug me, or build their world around me. And with that, i was pleased, never knowing that long before I've been hurting them one by one, not even considering their efforts and how they showed and showered their love for me. i fooled them with my charm and fake innocence but now I'm everybody's fool - useless and undeserving!

just when i decided to turn my back on the dance floor, someone held my hand and asked me to sway with him. no word dared to come out of my mouth for i was mesmerized by him. His voice convinced me although I didn't know him that well.

We danced sweetly, like a real couple who's stunned by each other's embrace. We danced so closely, with me never doubting a single thing about him. His mask seemed nice, his voice, so cold, that i was frozen with each word he said. His touch, so warm, that it made my knees weak, i could barely stand.

For a moment, he taught me how to love truly and hold on.
How to be honest, loyal and endure every pain and suffering brought about by loving.
How to be patient, caring, faithful and believed all your lies!
How to be jealous, insecure and proud!
Finally, he took off my mask, and man, did it feel good -- to have me in his arms and love him truly without holding anything back.

This time I knew what i felt was real and I didn't want it to end. I was prepared to take my chances with him and hold on forever to this bliss.

But then suddenly everything changed, even the man i loved became so cold.
Now I know angels are not the only one with disguises! even Lucifer pretended to be the "angel" i was with, the one who changed me, the only person I truly loved my whole life.

He didn't take off his mask, but still he stood here right next to me, and I was hurt unconsciously.

I thought I found my fairytale, but still, everything turned out to be a nightmare!
FUCKING LIFE!
DAMN LOVE!

oo, siyam ang buhay ko

kitty

bakit nga ba ako nabansagang pusa?

hindi naman ako tamad na katulad ni Garfield,
hindi rin kasing-cute ni Hello Kitty,
at lalong hindi lalake gaya ni Felix ...

simula noong ako'y bata pa lamang, "kit" na ang palayaw sa akin ng aking mga kaibigan ...
mukha daw akong pusa (huwag ka ng magtaka, mas ipinagpapasalamat ko pang matawag na mukhang pusa kaysa sa ibang hayop diyan, pasintabi po, na katulad ng kabayo, unggoy, at kung anu-ano pa!)


ano nga ba ang katangian ng pusa na meron ako?
malambing -- ehem, given na yan!
playful -- well, in some aspects, i guess!
eto ang pinakamalupit sa lahat ng nabanggit sa akin ng ibang malilibog kong kaibigan -- maingay makipag-sex -- at wala akong komento ukol dito ... (makapagtanong nga mamaya, hehe)


kilala ang mga pusa sa pagkakaroon ng 9 na buhay ...
malamang isa din yun sa mga dahilan kung bakit nasabi nilang may lahi ata akong pusa ...

=ilang beses na akong nadidisgrasya at umaabot pa sa bingit ng kamatayan (sayang 'no?, basta masamang damo, mahirap mamatay, sandali, don't tell me pati ang pagiging masamang damo, lahi na rin?)

=naging malas din ako sa buhay-pamilya.
masungit ngunit maalaga ang nanay ko,
babaero ang tatay ko,
pasaway sa eskwela ang ate ko,
dating bulakbol ang kuya ko,
namatay ang sumunod sa akin nung siya'y ipinanganak,
hindi marunong sa gawaing bahay ang kapatid kong highshool na lalaki,
at ang bunso namin ang natatanging anghel sa pamilyang ito, maliban na lang pag inatake ng tantrums nya ... lagot!
malamang, dito ko din nasayang ang ibang buhay sa 9 n meron ako noon.


=sa aspeto ng pag-ibig
naku .... dito ata ako pinagkaitan ng kalangitan
naging malungkot, masakit at karumal-dumal (you've read it right, dear) ang mga past sa love life ko,
hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong namanhid, namatay sa sarili kong damdamin ng mga panahong umibig ako,
pero noon yun, aba, masaya ata ang lovelife ko ngayon ano? hehe


lumabas ako saglit para bumili ng yosi ...
kung marami ng nalagas sa 9 kong buhay ng dahil sa mga disgrasyang natamo ng aking maliit at maselang katawan, kalungkutan at pighati sa pamilya, karahasan (karahasan talaga eh!) at dusa sa aking buhay-pag-ibig, may ekstrang buhay pa kayang natitira para sa aking kamatayan na matatamo sa paghithit nitong sigarilyo ko?

mmmmeeeeeeoooowwwwwwwwww